wild for to hold

So, this week has been a total mixed bag.

1) The new meds are great so far, I have no side effects that I've noticed and we're probably increasing the dose again next week and see how that feels for me! This weekend I am also experimenting (with my psychiatrist's approval) with taking only about half of my sleep medication. We shall see if that makes it easier to get out of bed in the morning. \o/

2) On Wednesday, my mother called to let me know that we will soon lose the house aka my childhood home, because the landlord and his family want to move in. oof. I am still in shock, I think. It hasn't fully sunk in yet. My mother is dealing with this like a champ--she has an apartment viewing tomorrow & has found a moving company she'll hire when the time comes, and she's started decluttering her things. I am really surprised, in a good way, by how well she's doing with this. She's doing better than I am, I think, which is just. Incredible. I'm really proud of her.

As for me, well, I'm working on it. The therapist I'm seeing at the hospital suggested taking some sort of keepsake from the house before my mom has to gtfo of there for good, like a pebble or a branch or something. I really like this idea.

3) I put a huge amount of oat milk into my coffee, which means I then have to heat the whole mug back up to make it palatable. Just an hour ago, when I was watching the mug spin slowly in the microwave, I was attacked by a Steve/Bucky plot bunny:

Shrinkyclinks, post-TWS AU in which Bucky has broken through the brainwashing and is now working for SHIELD with the other Avengers. He has body issues out the ass, and resents his metal arm and his body for having been used as a weapon against his will. His therapist suggests attending a life-drawing class as a model to start learning how to see his body differently. He balks at that--too many people--but he does find an ad on Craigslist in which an artist is looking for a model for one-on-one life-drawing sessions. That artist, of course, is non-serum!Steve. Bucky is like, "fuck it, yolo," and messages him. [eyes emoji]

4) On Sunday I am going for a walk with H., a fellow patient from the program! Eeeek. Must relearn how to socialize outside of the hospital, lol. I hope the weather holds up. We're supposed to get torrential rain here over the weekend.

I am trying to make friends on Tumblr! I've followed two other Steve/Bucky shippers who are currently in CATWS-related hell like me & they both seem very nice.

Other than that, I'm attempting to prepare my part of a presentation for my Swedish class and the novella we're analyzing, Ur funktion (Out of Order) by Karin Boye, is so hard to understand omfg. I had to look up every second or third word on some pages, I swear. Talk about getting thrown in at the deep end. But it's fun!

Today I've gotten a lot of things done thanks to caffeine. I went out for groceries, did a load of laundry, and spent like 3 hours in the Steve/Bucky tag curating my queue. Time well-spent, I say.

I have been up to several things! One is that I went to a Versengold concert last Friday, and it was amazing. Versengold (literally "verse's gold") is a northern German folk rock band that's been around for over 20 years, whom I discovered in ~2018 or so, and whom I've loved ever since. They are so cool, you guys. They are also all huge dorks. Their name is a pun--the German idiom "Fersengold geben," literally "giving heel's gold," means to run very fast, but they changed exchanged the F for a V to keep with their theme of writing songs. I find this very clever and it makes me really happy.

Anyway, they came to Cologne (Köln) and I was there with bells on. With about 3k people in attendance, it might have been the biggest concert I've ever been to! MCR in 2022 might have been bigger, I'm honestly not sure since that was open-air and this one wasn't, so it was easier this time to get a feel of how big the crowd was than at the MCR concert. Anyway, it was awesome. I stood close-ish to the front and had a blast. They played so many of my favorite songs, and a few songs I wasn't that familiar with yet, and the audience was wonderful. We cheered and clapped and sang our hearts out. Such a wonderful experience!

The real MVPs were my concert earplugs, a special set of earplugs I purchased way back in 2019 to help me attend rock concerts despite my very sensitive ears. They filter out all harmful frequencies from what you're hearing, but still let you listen to the music. I have no idea what sorcery they've been infused with, but they work. I can still hear people talking to me when I wear them, and the music sounds fine, if perhaps a tiny bit muffled. I love these things so much and there is no way I would have survived this concert--or the MCR concert!--without them, haha. I pulled one earplug out of my ear a little, once, to check how loud the volume really was, and yep I shoved it right back in. :D

The other thing that's been going on is that I am deep within my MCU feels again. Which mostly means Winter Soldier feels. And Steve/Bucky feels. Yes. I rewatched Captain America: The Winter Soldier last week for its 10-year anniversary, and it is still so freaking good, ahhh. I love it to bits. I cannot believe that the Russos made TWS and then went on to fuck things up so thoroughly (imo) with all the other things they did. Just. How. Anyway--I have been picking at my old fic ideas again, and reading tons of older fic on AO3, and generally having a blast with this ship and the feels.

I have discovered that I have a mighty need for more Winter Soldier fic--not necessarily Bucky Barnes fic. I am craving post-movie fic where the Winter Soldier does not remember his past, but still aims to take down Hydra and--perhaps reluctantly, at first, since he doesn't remember his past life--reconnects with Steve. It's all Sebastian Stan's acting; I am so fascinated with the obvious, glaring differences between Bucky and the Winter Soldier persona that's been forced on him. The potential identity compartmentalization of their combined existence is *chef's kiss* to me. And I want the Winter Soldier part to get more attention and love, damn it. He's been through so much, he deserves love and comfort even if he doesn't remember. Fight me. (No, don't, I'm weak AF because I haven't kept up with my running schedule.)

I also have a big soft spot for Shrinkyclinks (non-serum Steve/Winter Soldier Bucky). Adkjshkdf. The utter dichotomy between their characters makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I've read several "the Winter Soldier is on a mission, Steve stumbles across him & for some reason does not die horribly, so Hydra kidnaps Steve for shits and giggles and he and the Soldier form a connection" fics and low-key want to write my own. The aaaangst!!!

I am normal about this ship.